Thursday, April 23, 2009

For Maddie & Thalon

I have sat down at my laptop countless times to write this post and haven't been able to do it. It was just too much, just too painful for me. And god, how selfish and small I feel saying that when I compare it to what these families are actually going through. To say I've tried at least a hundred times to type this out would not be an exaggeration. But I always found something else to distract myself from writing it. I had to check facebook for the millionth time that day, or twitter, or email or whatever. But my heart is too heavy and my head is too full today and if I don't get this out now, I may explode from all the words and feelings clouding me.

Our online world has been hit hard the past few weeks. It's been so sad, so filled with grief and heartache and pain. Everywhere I turned, I read another blog post, another tweet, and there was another small tear in my heart. And all the feelings I'd buried deep down inside of me years ago resurfaced like a swimmer coming up for air. And each time I would gasp over and over again, trying to catch my own breath.

Our blogging family lost Maddie first. Then Thalon was taken. While these babies may not have grown in my stomach, they've definitely taken over my heart. I have been devastated for these 2 families. I can't even begin to put into words how deeply these 2 deaths have affected me.

Sounds weird since I've never met them in real life right? If you read blogs but are not a blogger yourself, this may seem far fetched to you. But if you're a blogger, you totally understand my feelings and connections to someone I have never met. Us bloggers share this common bond, this common thread. We cheer each other on when great things happen, we share stories and pictures and friendships with other moms and dads. We know these families as if they lived right
next door to us. Most importantly we console each other when bad things happen. When their happiness is our happiness, also their pain is our pain.

My heart and mind have both been consumed with thoughts and suffering for the Sphors for their loss of Maddie and to Shana and her family for their loss of Thalon. Both of which came way too quickly and much too early. All that keeps running through my head is that a parent
should never EVER out live their child. It goes against the natural order of things. I saw my mother go through it when my brother was killed a few years ago. It's NOT RIGHT! This can't be happening!

When I was 17 I found out I was pregnant. I had, what I believed to be, a very serious relationship & we were going to get married. We had been together almost 2 years & we were in love. On the day I found out I was pregnant & was going to tell my boyfriend, before I could say a word to him, he came clean about an affair he'd had with a friend of his, and that consequently she was now pregnant.

I was devastated when I lost that baby a few months into the pregnancy. I never told anyone I was pregnant except for 2 friends who helped me through the whole thing. My family didn't know. I couldn't tell my mom. Sex before marriage was a huge no no and I couldn't deal with her disapproval at the time too. They thought I was just depressed about breaking up with my boyfriend. I've never felt more alone then I did at that time.

I never got to hold my baby, kiss him, snuggle him, hear his giggles, feel his finger wrapped around mine as he ate. And I felt robbed. Cheated. And yes, I know I refer to this lost angel as a "he." It's always felt like a he for some reason. I never thought there could be anything worse then what I went through. But while I was wallowing in my pain back then, crying hysterically over the things I would never get to experience, I couldn't understand how much deeper and harsher that pain would be had I HAD time with him.

As a parent now, I realize how all consuming children are. They incorporate every fiber of your life. Every place, every song, every commercial, every food, every THING seems to remind me of Braidon. Of something he did or said or a smile he gave me. I can't imagine him being taken from me and going on with the memories of what used to be.

That total upheaval of my life years ago completely changed me in ways that even I can't explain. They say your heart shatters into a million pieces when it breaks and you slowly find them and pick them up again to rebuild yourself. What they don't tell you is that you'll find
pieces of your heart in the most unlikely places. Such as in the smiling faces of beautiful angels like Maddie and Thalon. And in the acts of kindness that have been taking place all over the USA to help out these families. I can only hope and pray that these 2 families have felt some comfort from all of their blogging relatives.

I know my life has been forever changed by their beautiful children!

I will hold my son a little tighter...

Play with him a little longer...

And ignore my blackberry more often.

•´`•.(*•.¸(`•.¸ ¸.•´)¸.•*).•´`•
«•´`*• Andrea •*¨`•»
«•´`•.(¸.•´(¸.•* *•.¸)`•.¸).•´`•»


Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Hey new Facebook buddy! ;-)
I want to just say I concur with your thoughts...I'd never thought of it that way before. That it would be so hard to lose a child you have because they're so entwined with every aspect of your life...but you're right.
I can't even begin to imagine the hell those two families are going through right now...

Kaza said...

Beautiful post. I just learned of both losses and have been unable to grasp them.

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