Where I've been lately....

Hey everyone! I know all 3 of my readers have probably been wondering where I've been lately. Some of you belong to other groups I've given updates to and some of you follow me on Twitter where I've also been letting people know what's been happening. If you've already heard this, bear with me since there's a new update at the end. If you haven't seen any updates from me, read on...

Due to my FMS (fibro) I have a horrible short term memory and am really bad at remembering details of any kind so I'm going through my sent messages to paste them here.

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Very late on 10/17/08 and/or early morning on 10/18/08:
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Currently sittin at hospital waiting for my MIL to come out of emergency surgery. She went in for horrible stomach pains this morning and they took her in for surgery tonite.

They found cancer. A LOT of cancer. Enough to where they couldn't remove any of it because it was all over inside. They aren't sure where it originated but they did remove a tiny spot to have tests run on it but those won't be back for 3 or 4 days. The doctor said she needs to stay here at hospital at least until the test results are back.

She's only 55. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers!

she has been having so much stomach pain for about 18 months. They said at first they thought it was CDEF (CDF? sp?) and she got worse and worse as months went by. The doctor just kept throwing antibiotics at her and not doing much for her. She has literally been wasting away
this year. She hasn't been able to eat anything solid for the last 3 weeks.

The extremely bad part of all of this is she has no insurance!!! My FIL is a building inspector but is basically considered self employed so they don't have any sort of coverage. This could ultimately bankrupt them if this turns out to be really bad.

I'll let you know more when I know more.

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10/23/08:
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Good morning all! I wanted to send an update on my poor MIL while I was thinking about it.

She's not doing well at all. She's still in the hospital and seems to be getting worse each day. She was in such great spirits Saturday morning and then again on Sunday afternoon she seemed to be feeling much better. She started having horrible pains in her stomach again late Sunday, which is what brought her to the ER on Friday in the first place. She says it feels like horrible gas pains but since the cancer is in her stomach and intestines it might just be the pain from the cancer being in there. Doctors are still waiting for the biopsy they sent off late Friday night from the sample they took during surgery to come back from the lab. They thought it would be back by Monday or Tuesday at the latest but it still isn't back yet?!?!

Here's what I do know for sure so far:

The reason they took her in for the surgery Friday night was because one of the tests they ran while she was in the ER showed a very large blockage in her smaller intestine. They told her they were going in laperoscoply (if that's how you spell that?!?!?) to try and repair the smaller intestine and fix the blockage. The plan was to cut out the part that was all blocked up and then reconnect her smaller intestine back together, removing the blocked part. They told her that due to what the tests they'd run had already shown them, they WERE NOT going to open her up because there was so much cancer. They told her to open her up would "be a death sentence" due to the amount of cancer that they could already see. (something about how cancer grows faster or speeds up or something of that nature when it's met with open air or outside air or something like that). They couldn't repair the intestine so they OPENED HER UP!

Report from her surgery stated the cancer was pretty much everywhere and on everything in her stomach, intestines, organs etc. While there were tumors inside the intestine, the rest of the cancer is the "sticky adhesion" kind that is not possible to remove. The blockage turned out to be a bunch of cancerous tumors inside her smaller intestine which they were unable to remove due to the way it'd grown attached to something else in there. I'm not a doctor so I have no idea what exactly that entails. It was so bad that they weren't even able to reattach the smaller intestine back together. They rigged it so that her large and smaller intestine were hooked together somehow.

As of last night, the biopsy they'd sent off from the surgery was still not back. They're waiting on those results to try and find out what kind of cancer it is, where it originated from, etc.. Her pain levels have sky rocketed and they're not able to keep her pain under control even with her still having the epidural in from when they did the surgery and giving her pain meds through her IV on top of that. They said for her to get out of the hospital, she would have to be able to have her bowels working again and be able to eat and drink small amounts of things, her pain levels had to be under control somewhat, and of course, it all hinges on what the report says. Her bowels have started to wake up and yesterday she was trying to sip on a little bit of water but it only caused more pain. You can just hear the pain in her voice when she talks. She's having a hard time breathing now as well. We spoke to her late last night and she said she was hurting so much and couldn't breathe so they were going to come up and take her down for an ultrasound to see if they could see what the problem is. It sounds like it might have spread to her lungs and that could be why she's having such a hard time breathing. If it is in her lungs then she'll start having problems with fluid building up in there and having to get her lungs drained on a regular basis.

We are all so worried at this point. She's not doing well and her spirits are really low right now, reasonably so, but she was trying to be optimistic this past weekend and that seems to be gone now as well. I'm trying to be the "glue" that holds the whole family together over here which is causing my own health problems to flare up with the stress and exhaustion of trying to do it all on my own but there isn't any other option right now. Luckily we live across the street from my MIL and FIL so I'm able to keep a close eye on J's dad. I've been cooking for him and taking dinner to him everyday. Trying to keep his house going while mine seems to be falling apart! There's laundry for days and clutter here and there and since J and I both work full time, there isn't enough hours in the day to do it all but I'm trying. J's brother and his wife live over 2 hours away from us and J's brother is in school to become a nurse. Right now he's doing his clinicals which he can't miss so it's hard on them being so far away and not being able to help out or just sit with someone for awhile to keep them company. Luckily they'll be down on weekends so they'll be here tomorrow to help me out a little bit. J's no help right now because he's just beside himself with worry and grief that he's going to lose his mother soon. I just don't know what else to do for them all then what I'm doing. It just doesn't seem like enough though!

Well, i better end this novel I've been writing. Sorry to be so long winded. Thank you to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers and good wishes you've been sending out way. Please keep them going. We'll need all the help we can get from the big man upstairs.

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That was the last update I'd sent to my groups. She was let go from the hospital last Saturday & was home all of 5 days when she got up one morning and walked to the bathroom and felt stuff running down her legs. She looked down and this gross brown/green/yellow crap was gushing down her stomach and legs. She hollered for my FIL to come to the bathroom and he rushed her to the ER again. It seems the doctors and nurses who discharged her last weekend neglected to send her home with antibiotics (oops!) and her huge incision on her stomach was completely infected. The infection was so bad that the infection ATE THROUGH her inner AND outer stitches so she was completely wide open! They had to put her back in the hospital to get the infection under control. The doctors told her they couldn't close her back up until all the infection was completely gone and that she'd need to be there for at least 3-4 days for treatment before they'd allow her to go home again. The ER nurse told her the docs should never have let her go home that first time without some sort of antibiotic to take as a precaution so that no infection would set in. They completed screwed up! But get this... They realized they really screwed up and that first night she was there at the hospital, after all of us had gone home, a nurse and 4 doctors came in late that night to give her morphine for the pain before she went to sleep. After they had doped her up pretty good, all of them started in on my MIL trying to get her to admit that they HAD sent her home with antibiotics and that she just forgot to take them! They were trying to get her on record saying it was HER fault she was all infected so she couldn't sue them for what happened. Can you believe that? She wouldn't admit it and they kind of kept brow beating her for about 30 minutes until they realized she wasn't going to say what they wanted her to say, even with her being all drugged up. She called us the next morning in a panic and wanting to leave the hospital because she didn't trust being alone there with them. Poor lady!

Now the docs said she would have to stay for at least 3-4 days to get the infection under control since it was so bad but yet they released her the next day! Her incision is 4 inches long and wide and is still wide open until the infection is gone. They have it packed with guaze right now and it has to be changed at least 3 times a day. They set her up with a home health care person who is supposed to come over 3 times a day to change the bandages and so far the lady has flaked out on her both times she was supposed to show up. We've tried calling the emergency number to get someone else and they aren't answering either. This morning my FIL ended up having to take her back to the ER to change the dressing since no one was there to help! It's been a complete mess.

Please keep her in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever it is that you believe in. She's going to need all of us rooting for her to stay strong and beat this. The sad part is that my FIL has pushed me and J away saying that he wants to take care of my MIL the way he needs to and wants to. It's been hard. On the one hand, I understand he needs to deal with this in his own way. But on the other hand, I also think he's not realizing that he's also taking away precious time that my MIL has left in this world that we'd like to spend with her as well. I'm not sure if there's denial about how bad off my MIL is right now or what. But I do think he thinks there will be plenty of time for us to spend with MIL when she's "better" but I don't think he understands she may not get any better. It's been really hard on all of us and we're all trying to stay strong.

So if you guys have been wondering where I've been and why I just stopped blogging for a few weeks, that's what's been happening in my side of the world. Hopefully now that she's home, and just across the street, I'll have a bit more time to keep in touch again.

Thanks for reading the novel I've written today lol.

Have a great one!

How do I get rid of the evil sickness in my house?

B has never been in daycare before. Since he was a baby we've been completely lucky (and grateful!) that my mom has watched him since he was born while we worked. This past summer my MIL took care of him too. This is his first year of school and he's in kindergarten. While it's been good for him to be around kids his own age and get into a routine, there's one thing I'm not excited, or prepared for...

THE GERMS!!!!!!

B started school on Sept 2nd. It's now October 7th. He's been sick a total of 4 TIMES ALREADY! He was sick enough that he missed 2 days of school between his first and second week of school. He's sick again! Poor little guy is sneezing and dripping and coughing all over the place. I was so not prepared for him to be sick ALL THE TIME when he started school. Someone tell me that his little immune system will get tougher over the next few months so he's not bringing home every germ that he comes in contact with!?!?!

I can't handle THIS. MUCH. SNOT! Seriously. It's everywhere and on everything. I'm going to have to start wearing a slicker pretty soon if he doesn't get better. And the funny thing is that his K teacher is one of the most germaphobic people I've met. B's come home with no less then 4 pieces of "germ" artwork each week since school started. You guys have heard of dream catchers right? He and his classmates made a "germ" catcher. A big thing that looks like a persons head and upper body with arms. The arms are holding a picture of what a germ looks like in one hand. The other hand is holding a tissue for "when he needs to cough or sneeze to catch the germs." How funny is that? I'll take a picture tonight of him and his artwork and post it here so you guys can see it.

I better be going so I can get reading for work.

BTW, Ms Peabody is still peeing and crapping EVERYWHERE!!!! How the hell do I get her to stop? We've tried everything and can't get her housebroken. J's ready to give up and send her packing. Someone please tell me how to break her of this bad habit before J wraps up all her things in a hankerchief and ties it around a long stick and sends her on her way!

Are Things Looking Up? Or am i Just Looking Away?

Ever since the day we shall call the-day-I-pulled-my-head-outta-my-ass-and-confronted-my-worst-nightmare, things have been different around here. He has been a much happier, more contended person this past week. It's like someone slipped him some of my good drugs, ya know the ones I hide when company comes over? He's been really happy and smiley, almost like the man I fell in love with. It's been nice and surreal all at the same time.

I am not sure if it's because his secret is out in the open now and he's no longer having to sneak around and hide things from me. And maybe he feels relieved.

And maybe he's realized what a GIGANTIC ASS he made of himself and how he risked the biggest and best thing that's ever happened to him.

Maybe he realized he risked his entire family and his entire future over this stupid woman he claims didn't mean anything to him.

And maybe that day he pictured our sons beautiful face in his mind and realized JUST.LIKE.THAT. it could have all been gone.

Ya, and MAYBE tomorrow I'll wake up to a clean house, rainbows in the sky and unicorns dancing on my front lawn!

MAYBE I'm being a tard, WANTING him to feel these things. WILLING him to think these things. DYING for him to realize what a humongous mistake this was.

I want to believe it. I badly want to believe it! He tells me things that I desparately want to hear and I need to believe what he says. For my families sake, I need to believe all of it. There's 7 years and a beautiful, gorgeous, funny and intelligent 6 year old little boy riding on it, counting on me, to believe all of it.

I've surprised myself, even scared myself a little, with how easily I've wanted to move past this part of our life and get to a better place. I've quickly and happily gone back to our routines, the I love you's, morning coffee together before work, clean laundry, dinners, dishes, bathtimes, laughter and snuggles. I've willed myself to this place of family contentment with him by my side. He's been grateful I haven't chosen to leave him, thankful I asked the questions I had and then dropped it. There are still questions I need answers to but not right now. Every day there are new questions that i MUST know the answers to, but I can't bear to hear those answers while this is still so fresh and new in my heart. The wound is still bleeding profusely and it needs to heal a little before I can let anything new into it.

I don't want this post to come off as stupid-wife-looks-the-other-way-while-husband-continues-affair-she-refuses-to-believe-is-going-on. My eyes are wide open. He's on a short leash. His cell phone records are being checked, call and text record logs searched for her number or any other number that I know doesn't belong to any of our family or friends.

So what's a supermom/domestic diva to do? Well, besides washing all the dirty, icky boy underwear, cleaning up after Miss Peabody (who still can't tell the difference between our kitchen rug and the grass outside), and finding all the toy action figures who've gone missing in "combat"?

She plows through. She holds her head up high, reminds herself that SHE IS THE BETTER WOMAN in all of this, and SHE will win in the end since she's the one who holds his heart.

I'm the one who's stuck by him through thick and thin, through the births and deaths of various family members, through all of it.

I am the one he loves and the one he's still attracted to even after all these years.

I am the one he can't keep his hands off of even though I've put on 40 lbs since he first met me.

I'm the one he takes care of when I am in so much pain that I can't even roll over in bed to take my pain medication in the cold, dark winter mornings.

I'm the one he gently and lovingly gathers in his arms to help me get out of bed and to the couch so I can watch TV while I wait for my medication to kick in before I can start my day.

I'm the one he runs hot bubble baths for when I've had a horrible day at work and it's storming out and I'm not feeling good at all.

I'm the one he pours coffee for every morning while I'm still half asleep.

I will be the one he's still with 40 or 50 years from now as we watch our grandbabies grow.

"SHE" will only be a distant memory...

Where have I been?

It's been a few days since I've posted. I guess I should apologize right now for having a life lol I never knew how much time blogging takes up and I just began!



So this past week, B has started school, I've hurt my back even worse then before (thank you elevator at work), I've given in and started using a walker, and we went to the Utah State Fair! Whew! It's been a busy, crazy week which is why, if any of you are even listening, I've been missing from my blog. Well that, and I haven't had any private time to write since Tuesday.


Yes, it's true... I haven't shared with J or anyone in my family yet that I've started a blog. I started it for me because I needed an outlet for my so called creative side. Of course, the jury is still out on my "creative" side, but that's what we'll call it for now. I've been reading blog and after blog and I've come to the conclusion I'm doing this blog MORE for the fact to have a record of my life and my sons life, well, and J too. lol I've decided that there's been so many things that this illness/sickness has taken from me and my life and the absolute *WORSE* thing this has stolen from me are my memories. This illness has taken the day my son walked for the first time, his first words, (which J insists were mama and dada in that order), the first time he rolled over, crawled, his first bath. Of course, I have photos of all of it, but a photo only says so much. I figured if I started to blog, I could document things in our life so I can look back and read things and REMEMBER them.

I wished I would have done this long ago but to be honest, I didn't have the time or the energy, or, actually the laptop either. Now I can blog from the couch or my bed when I feel like shit, which, lets face it, is ALLLLLLLL the time. Especially now that my back is killing me again. I'm gonna go back and try and post the days I've missed this week. Or, maybe, catch up on my DVR episodes I've recorded of my 'entertainment porn" which is the Chelsea Handler Show.


She's so hilarious although I don't really get when she goes deeeeeep into Hollywood.

All right, I guess I'll be going now. Hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday.

How I got here....

I've always wanted to write. Do something artistic with my life. I won a few places in art shows in junior and high school, including first place once thank-you-very-much, loved to write stories, even in elementary school I loved to write. But my life took another turn.

After I graduated high school and moved in with my 2nd serious boyfriend to date, I started feeling run down, tired, just plain old like shit. It started gradually... One day I was tired, then it felt like a flu that I couldn't shake, then lost muscle control. Then there were numerous, COUNTLESS, doctors over a span of months and months. Months where I spiraled further and further down the rabbit hole, where I lost the use of my legs, then arms, lost the ability to feed myself, dress myself, bathe myself, where I lost myself completely. Finally a doctor knew what was wrong with me!!!!! ONE doctor out of the 20+ doctors and specialists of every field I had gone to begging for an answer, ANY answer, as long as I knew what the hell was wrong with me. A diagnosis was made and I finally knew why I was the way I was, why I felt like I was literally dying. Unfortunately, what was handed to me was sometimes worse then a death sentence. I was told, hey, you will NEVER EVER get better and this will NEVER EVER go away! You can try some things to control the pain (which have been a joke), but hey, if you give up doing anything that rquires exertion of any kind, you might be able to stand it for a while. The doctor was at least honest about it and I learned, for the most part, what I could but mostly could NOT do any longer. What activities and chores and social things I could do and what would leave me screaming and crying in pain, so exhausted sometimes that no tears would come. My life became a balancing act;

Having the strength to wash my hair...

BUT UNABLE TO COMB OR BLOW DRY IT...

Leaving the kitchen a mess...

JUST SO I CAN MAKE THE WALK TO THE BEDROOM TO GET TO BED FOR THE NIGHT...

Letting hundreds and hundreds of dollars of groceries go bad...

BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE OR FREEZER WHERE IT NEEDED TO BE!

Giving up and letting go of everything I knew to be true in my life to learn this whole new life, the one where I was "sick" all the time. The new life where nothing was as it seemed, where my body would betray me over and over again, sometimes hundreds of times a day at the beginning. I would think I had it figured out and then bam! My body would seem to be saying "ah, ah ah.... Not so fast little lady! and I'd be down for the count again.

I gave up dreaming about my future so I could focus on today, on NOW, on how to get through the next day, the next hour, sometimes the next minute even. How could I think about my future when I was worried about getting thru the then and now, that moment, that time???? I felt like I would never even have a future, so why should I plan for one?

While I was worrying about this medication or that medication, my friends were partyng and having fun, being young and carefree. While I was stuck in bed, too exhausted and in too much pain to move, my friends were at the clubs dancing the night away. Before I knew it, my life had sort of passed me by. Yes, I live with J and we have a beautiful, smart and funny 6 year old little boy who I wouldn't trade for any amount of money in the world, except maybe when he's slammin his bedroom door when he's pissed off... lol But I still feel like something is missing. Like life was this big cruise ship and everyone but me is on it. I'm running down the dock to make it to the ship before it pulls away and right as I get to the edge, the ship is sailing away and everyone on it is waving good bye to me.

Those are my musings for the night I guess. It's now almost 12:30 AM and I'm probably starting to make less and less sense as I ramble on and on but hey, that's me at my best. I hope everyone has a good night!