For Maddie & Thalon

I have sat down at my laptop countless times to write this post and haven't been able to do it. It was just too much, just too painful for me. And god, how selfish and small I feel saying that when I compare it to what these families are actually going through. To say I've tried at least a hundred times to type this out would not be an exaggeration. But I always found something else to distract myself from writing it. I had to check facebook for the millionth time that day, or twitter, or email or whatever. But my heart is too heavy and my head is too full today and if I don't get this out now, I may explode from all the words and feelings clouding me.

Our online world has been hit hard the past few weeks. It's been so sad, so filled with grief and heartache and pain. Everywhere I turned, I read another blog post, another tweet, and there was another small tear in my heart. And all the feelings I'd buried deep down inside of me years ago resurfaced like a swimmer coming up for air. And each time I would gasp over and over again, trying to catch my own breath.

Our blogging family lost Maddie first. Then Thalon was taken. While these babies may not have grown in my stomach, they've definitely taken over my heart. I have been devastated for these 2 families. I can't even begin to put into words how deeply these 2 deaths have affected me.

Sounds weird since I've never met them in real life right? If you read blogs but are not a blogger yourself, this may seem far fetched to you. But if you're a blogger, you totally understand my feelings and connections to someone I have never met. Us bloggers share this common bond, this common thread. We cheer each other on when great things happen, we share stories and pictures and friendships with other moms and dads. We know these families as if they lived right
next door to us. Most importantly we console each other when bad things happen. When their happiness is our happiness, also their pain is our pain.

My heart and mind have both been consumed with thoughts and suffering for the Sphors for their loss of Maddie and to Shana and her family for their loss of Thalon. Both of which came way too quickly and much too early. All that keeps running through my head is that a parent
should never EVER out live their child. It goes against the natural order of things. I saw my mother go through it when my brother was killed a few years ago. It's NOT RIGHT! This can't be happening!

When I was 17 I found out I was pregnant. I had, what I believed to be, a very serious relationship & we were going to get married. We had been together almost 2 years & we were in love. On the day I found out I was pregnant & was going to tell my boyfriend, before I could say a word to him, he came clean about an affair he'd had with a friend of his, and that consequently she was now pregnant.

I was devastated when I lost that baby a few months into the pregnancy. I never told anyone I was pregnant except for 2 friends who helped me through the whole thing. My family didn't know. I couldn't tell my mom. Sex before marriage was a huge no no and I couldn't deal with her disapproval at the time too. They thought I was just depressed about breaking up with my boyfriend. I've never felt more alone then I did at that time.

I never got to hold my baby, kiss him, snuggle him, hear his giggles, feel his finger wrapped around mine as he ate. And I felt robbed. Cheated. And yes, I know I refer to this lost angel as a "he." It's always felt like a he for some reason. I never thought there could be anything worse then what I went through. But while I was wallowing in my pain back then, crying hysterically over the things I would never get to experience, I couldn't understand how much deeper and harsher that pain would be had I HAD time with him.

As a parent now, I realize how all consuming children are. They incorporate every fiber of your life. Every place, every song, every commercial, every food, every THING seems to remind me of Braidon. Of something he did or said or a smile he gave me. I can't imagine him being taken from me and going on with the memories of what used to be.

That total upheaval of my life years ago completely changed me in ways that even I can't explain. They say your heart shatters into a million pieces when it breaks and you slowly find them and pick them up again to rebuild yourself. What they don't tell you is that you'll find
pieces of your heart in the most unlikely places. Such as in the smiling faces of beautiful angels like Maddie and Thalon. And in the acts of kindness that have been taking place all over the USA to help out these families. I can only hope and pray that these 2 families have felt some comfort from all of their blogging relatives.

I know my life has been forever changed by their beautiful children!

I will hold my son a little tighter...

Play with him a little longer...

And ignore my blackberry more often.

•´`•.(*•.¸(`•.¸ ¸.•´)¸.•*).•´`•
«•´`*• Andrea •*¨`•»
«•´`•.(¸.•´(¸.•* *•.¸)`•.¸).•´`•»

No Wonder His Skin Has Been So White Lately...

So this morning my son walks up next to me and I can smell his feet.

His feet never smell! I don't have smelly feet and LUCKILY for Mr Man (because I might have to kill him if he did) he doesn't either. So I don't know what was up with his stinky feet.

Anywho, since he just had a bath last nite, and I'm lazy this morning, I told him to go get some baby wipes and clean his feet before putting on his shoes & socks this morning.

I'm watching TV and I hear him sit down on the love seat near me in the living room and I turn to look at him & see him cleaning his feet with these:

To be fair, I did leave them in the bathroom on the counter when I was cleaning the bathroom last week. He said he's used them "a FEW times!"

OMG!

Can't that be really bad for his skin? They have bleach right? Holy hell! No wonder his skin has been so white lately!

Love is Love people... Love is Love!

Ya, I haven't had much to say at all lately. But today there is huge news and I would be lame if I didn't put in my 2 cents. Yes, I know, I can hardly afford that 2 cents but I'm sharing it anyway!

This morning the Iowa Supreme Court legalized gay marriage!

(This is where the trumpets sound and the balloons and confetti fall from the rafters!)

Obviously I'm personally not gay. "Mr Man" is not code for my butch lesbian lover. Yes, I joke that he is more the woman in the relationship than I am. Yes, he loves to talk on the phone while I DETEST IT with every fiber in my body. Yes, he likes to shop while I would rather be jabbed in the eye with a sharp stick. Yes, he spends more time in the bathroom getting pretty then I do but...

Where was I going with this?

Oh right... He's not really a woman. He is in fact a man. I swear it. I have the hair shavings all over the bathroom sink to prove it!

Even though we're not gay, the majority of our friends are in same sex relationships. Our best friends are gay. My ex brother in law is gay. I am very excited for today's ruling in Iowa.

I don't think of this so much as a gay vs straight or "innee vs outee" (or who does what with their innee's or outee's) type thing. To me, this is about EQUALITY.

Say it with me people....

EQUALITY!!!!!

I think it's high time that states start recognizing that everyone deserves the same rights. Man, woman, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersexual, and asexual. And anyone else I forgot.

When an unmarried man and woman have a child together, sort of like Mr Man and I, although we're in a common law marriage now, we both have equal rights as our sons parents in his life. If something happened between us, God forbid, knock on wood, *spit, spit, spit (like on My Big Fat Greek Wedding (pttooey, pttooey, pttooey) we would both have EQUAL RIGHTS in front of a court of law to work out a custody agreement. That is not the case with gay parents when only one parent is the legal or biological parent to the child. Even though both of those parents raised that child and took care of him or her and loved them, bathed them, read to them, most courts would not recognize both parents.

Can you imagine having to walk away from your child?

If your spouse was in the hospital, you as his wife or her husband would be able to see them in the ICU, sign documents, make legal decisions, pull the plug. Ok, I threw that last one in there just for fun but you get my drift.

Gay couples do not have that same equality. Legalizing gay marriage changes all that. It affords gay couples the same opportunities us "breeders" have had all along, should they want them of course. And that's what this is all about! Giving them the option to have that choice!

There are a lot of people who believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman. I am not one of them. (Hey, if they want to get married and fight over whose turn it is to cook dinner and who took out the garbage last and why their husbands socks are on the floor by the hamper and not IN the hamper then more power to them right? Seriously though, what IS THAT ABOUT? The hamper is INCHES away from where he drops his socks! There isn't even a lid on the damn thing. Why can't he just drop them in the hamper instead of next to it?)

All kidding aside though, today's ruling was a huge step forward for the world and for equality and I'm so excited about it.

I believe we are all born with our sexual orientation pre-determined. Gay people are born gay just as I was born straight. (Well, except for a little experimentation years ago but who hasn't done that? But a few times with another woman does not a lesbian make. Right?) To say that someone doesn't "deserve" the same equalities and rights as other people because of who they love makes absolutely no sense at all.

Gay is not a choice. They do not CHOOSE to be rejected by their families, their friends, their God. They do not CHOOSE to be rejected by society, by state and by government. If gay was a choice, don't you think they'd "choose" an easier lifestyle?

Love is love.

Repeat it with me...

Love is love....

So what do you think about today's ruling? Are you happy about it? Upset about it? Tired of hearing about it? I'd love to know.... (OK, I really don't want to hear you're tired of hearing about it because it just happened hours ago. Get over it. Suck it up. Build a bridge. Whatever.)

(Thanks to David for helping me when I got stuck on my blog post earlier! You rock. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could beeeee.....)