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Sunday, August 31, 2008

It's raining it's pouring....

So, can anyone guess how wet you get when it's pouring buckets and buckets of rain and you're cooking dinner and look out the wndow and see...

your sons very expensive motorized Harley Davidson kids bike sitting out by the lamp post on the sidewalk?

I ran out the door and to the sidewalk long enough to grab it and run back under the carport. It was raining so hard that in those 10 seconds I got completely soaked head to toe, through my clothes, all the way to my unmentionbles. Sheesh... And when I yelled at B for leaving it out there when I told him just 15 minutes ago to make sure everything was put away before he came in, he looked at me with this blank stare on his face like, why the hell is she yellin at me?

I figured since it was storming and gloomy outside I'd make chili and cornbread for dinner with triple chocolate brownies for dessert. Something that takes 2-3 hours to make and will be eaten by my family in 5 minutes. It's a good thing I love them right?

I'm catching up on this past seasons episodes of Tori and Deans reality show on Oxygen I have recorded on my DVR. It's the episode of Liams 1st bday party. It's so funny to watch some of these reality shows. A lot of these people seem so down to earth, and most of them try to bill themselves that way (even Presidential candidates are doing it these days) so that they seem more "relatable" I guess, to the rest of the world. But then... they go and throw their sons 1st bday party and spend a buttload of money. I guess we all want to give our children the world right? We all wish we could do everything in the world for our kids, give them more then we had growing up, but this party looks crazy with a 3 foot cake!

The differences in Liams Bday party and my sons bday party...

Ours was held at the local park... Their's at a Malibu Mansion...

We invited Loni Anderson, Carmen Elektra, and Denise Richards but they didn't come... They did however, go to Liams party...

Liam had REAL LIVE MONKEYS on little bikes... we had kids who acted like monkeys...

Liams cake was an almost 2 feet tall monkey cake while B's was a sheet cake from Costco... (All right, I just spent an hour trying to find out how much that monkey cake from Hansen's Cakes cost them for the party and can't find the answer anywhere!!!) Anyone know?

How I got here....

I've always wanted to write. Do something artistic with my life. I won a few places in art shows in junior and high school, including first place once thank-you-very-much, loved to write stories, even in elementary school I loved to write. But my life took another turn.

After I graduated high school and moved in with my 2nd serious boyfriend to date, I started feeling run down, tired, just plain old like shit. It started gradually... One day I was tired, then it felt like a flu that I couldn't shake, then lost muscle control. Then there were numerous, COUNTLESS, doctors over a span of months and months. Months where I spiraled further and further down the rabbit hole, where I lost the use of my legs, then arms, lost the ability to feed myself, dress myself, bathe myself, where I lost myself completely. Finally a doctor knew what was wrong with me!!!!! ONE doctor out of the 20+ doctors and specialists of every field I had gone to begging for an answer, ANY answer, as long as I knew what the hell was wrong with me. A diagnosis was made and I finally knew why I was the way I was, why I felt like I was literally dying. Unfortunately, what was handed to me was sometimes worse then a death sentence. I was told, hey, you will NEVER EVER get better and this will NEVER EVER go away! You can try some things to control the pain (which have been a joke), but hey, if you give up doing anything that rquires exertion of any kind, you might be able to stand it for a while. The doctor was at least honest about it and I learned, for the most part, what I could but mostly could NOT do any longer. What activities and chores and social things I could do and what would leave me screaming and crying in pain, so exhausted sometimes that no tears would come. My life became a balancing act;

Having the strength to wash my hair...

BUT UNABLE TO COMB OR BLOW DRY IT...

Leaving the kitchen a mess...

JUST SO I CAN MAKE THE WALK TO THE BEDROOM TO GET TO BED FOR THE NIGHT...

Letting hundreds and hundreds of dollars of groceries go bad...

BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE OR FREEZER WHERE IT NEEDED TO BE!

Giving up and letting go of everything I knew to be true in my life to learn this whole new life, the one where I was "sick" all the time. The new life where nothing was as it seemed, where my body would betray me over and over again, sometimes hundreds of times a day at the beginning. I would think I had it figured out and then bam! My body would seem to be saying "ah, ah ah.... Not so fast little lady! and I'd be down for the count again.

I gave up dreaming about my future so I could focus on today, on NOW, on how to get through the next day, the next hour, sometimes the next minute even. How could I think about my future when I was worried about getting thru the then and now, that moment, that time???? I felt like I would never even have a future, so why should I plan for one?

While I was worrying about this medication or that medication, my friends were partyng and having fun, being young and carefree. While I was stuck in bed, too exhausted and in too much pain to move, my friends were at the clubs dancing the night away. Before I knew it, my life had sort of passed me by. Yes, I live with J and we have a beautiful, smart and funny 6 year old little boy who I wouldn't trade for any amount of money in the world, except maybe when he's slammin his bedroom door when he's pissed off... lol But I still feel like something is missing. Like life was this big cruise ship and everyone but me is on it. I'm running down the dock to make it to the ship before it pulls away and right as I get to the edge, the ship is sailing away and everyone on it is waving good bye to me.

Those are my musings for the night I guess. It's now almost 12:30 AM and I'm probably starting to make less and less sense as I ramble on and on but hey, that's me at my best. I hope everyone has a good night!

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