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Sunday, August 31, 2008

It's raining it's pouring....

So, can anyone guess how wet you get when it's pouring buckets and buckets of rain and you're cooking dinner and look out the wndow and see...

your sons very expensive motorized Harley Davidson kids bike sitting out by the lamp post on the sidewalk?

I ran out the door and to the sidewalk long enough to grab it and run back under the carport. It was raining so hard that in those 10 seconds I got completely soaked head to toe, through my clothes, all the way to my unmentionbles. Sheesh... And when I yelled at B for leaving it out there when I told him just 15 minutes ago to make sure everything was put away before he came in, he looked at me with this blank stare on his face like, why the hell is she yellin at me?

I figured since it was storming and gloomy outside I'd make chili and cornbread for dinner with triple chocolate brownies for dessert. Something that takes 2-3 hours to make and will be eaten by my family in 5 minutes. It's a good thing I love them right?

I'm catching up on this past seasons episodes of Tori and Deans reality show on Oxygen I have recorded on my DVR. It's the episode of Liams 1st bday party. It's so funny to watch some of these reality shows. A lot of these people seem so down to earth, and most of them try to bill themselves that way (even Presidential candidates are doing it these days) so that they seem more "relatable" I guess, to the rest of the world. But then... they go and throw their sons 1st bday party and spend a buttload of money. I guess we all want to give our children the world right? We all wish we could do everything in the world for our kids, give them more then we had growing up, but this party looks crazy with a 3 foot cake!

The differences in Liams Bday party and my sons bday party...

Ours was held at the local park... Their's at a Malibu Mansion...

We invited Loni Anderson, Carmen Elektra, and Denise Richards but they didn't come... They did however, go to Liams party...

Liam had REAL LIVE MONKEYS on little bikes... we had kids who acted like monkeys...

Liams cake was an almost 2 feet tall monkey cake while B's was a sheet cake from Costco... (All right, I just spent an hour trying to find out how much that monkey cake from Hansen's Cakes cost them for the party and can't find the answer anywhere!!!) Anyone know?

How I got here....

I've always wanted to write. Do something artistic with my life. I won a few places in art shows in junior and high school, including first place once thank-you-very-much, loved to write stories, even in elementary school I loved to write. But my life took another turn.

After I graduated high school and moved in with my 2nd serious boyfriend to date, I started feeling run down, tired, just plain old like shit. It started gradually... One day I was tired, then it felt like a flu that I couldn't shake, then lost muscle control. Then there were numerous, COUNTLESS, doctors over a span of months and months. Months where I spiraled further and further down the rabbit hole, where I lost the use of my legs, then arms, lost the ability to feed myself, dress myself, bathe myself, where I lost myself completely. Finally a doctor knew what was wrong with me!!!!! ONE doctor out of the 20+ doctors and specialists of every field I had gone to begging for an answer, ANY answer, as long as I knew what the hell was wrong with me. A diagnosis was made and I finally knew why I was the way I was, why I felt like I was literally dying. Unfortunately, what was handed to me was sometimes worse then a death sentence. I was told, hey, you will NEVER EVER get better and this will NEVER EVER go away! You can try some things to control the pain (which have been a joke), but hey, if you give up doing anything that rquires exertion of any kind, you might be able to stand it for a while. The doctor was at least honest about it and I learned, for the most part, what I could but mostly could NOT do any longer. What activities and chores and social things I could do and what would leave me screaming and crying in pain, so exhausted sometimes that no tears would come. My life became a balancing act;

Having the strength to wash my hair...

BUT UNABLE TO COMB OR BLOW DRY IT...

Leaving the kitchen a mess...

JUST SO I CAN MAKE THE WALK TO THE BEDROOM TO GET TO BED FOR THE NIGHT...

Letting hundreds and hundreds of dollars of groceries go bad...

BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE OR FREEZER WHERE IT NEEDED TO BE!

Giving up and letting go of everything I knew to be true in my life to learn this whole new life, the one where I was "sick" all the time. The new life where nothing was as it seemed, where my body would betray me over and over again, sometimes hundreds of times a day at the beginning. I would think I had it figured out and then bam! My body would seem to be saying "ah, ah ah.... Not so fast little lady! and I'd be down for the count again.

I gave up dreaming about my future so I could focus on today, on NOW, on how to get through the next day, the next hour, sometimes the next minute even. How could I think about my future when I was worried about getting thru the then and now, that moment, that time???? I felt like I would never even have a future, so why should I plan for one?

While I was worrying about this medication or that medication, my friends were partyng and having fun, being young and carefree. While I was stuck in bed, too exhausted and in too much pain to move, my friends were at the clubs dancing the night away. Before I knew it, my life had sort of passed me by. Yes, I live with J and we have a beautiful, smart and funny 6 year old little boy who I wouldn't trade for any amount of money in the world, except maybe when he's slammin his bedroom door when he's pissed off... lol But I still feel like something is missing. Like life was this big cruise ship and everyone but me is on it. I'm running down the dock to make it to the ship before it pulls away and right as I get to the edge, the ship is sailing away and everyone on it is waving good bye to me.

Those are my musings for the night I guess. It's now almost 12:30 AM and I'm probably starting to make less and less sense as I ramble on and on but hey, that's me at my best. I hope everyone has a good night!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ghetto Fabulous!

Sooooo I'm at work yesterday, decided my early lunch at 11:30 wasn't gonna hold me until I got home and cooked dinner so I went to the breakroom in search of a snack. I picked "Nibs" those little licorice bites. If only I could turn back time... I could have picked a granola bar or a snickers or even an ice cream and then what had happened, wouldn't have happened!!!! Ya know, I don't even LIKE Nibs really.... I was feeling kinda nauseous and I open them up and started eating them.... Bite, chew, chew, chew, swallow.... Bite, chew, chew "CRACK!!!!" The outside half of one of my side teeth broke OFF! Completely broke off. I still had the inside half but the outside half was gone!!!! My immediate conversation with my sister over IM went a little like this...

Me: I just lost half my tooth!


Her: yer front one???


Me: lmao noooooo!!!! Thank God!


Her: that woulda been hot!


Me: it was the one right next to the pointy dagger lookin tooth! So if I smile real big, which btw I will never be able to do AGAIN! you can tell it's gone!


Her: So it was the one behind the pointy one? Or in front of it?


Me: the one behind it


Me: and i couldn't have lost the inside half of the tooth, NOOOOOOO, I had to lose the outside half so EVERYONE can see it!


I am officially ghetto fabulous with my half tooth. Word!



(The stupid candy who took away my smile!)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Did I Shave My Legs For This? Really?

I've been wanting to start a blog for so long and couldn't think of how to start. I guess I just start rambling and typing my thoughts huh?

Today was ok at work but as soon as I left it turned to crap. My car died a few weeks ago and until I get another one, I've been bumming rides from my sister and mom (except for when I ride my broom of course!) Wahoooooo J just told me he just ordered me a new Blackberry cell phone in ruby red! Just thought I'd throw that in there since he just told me.

So anyways, back to my shitty day... My mom picks me up and tells me I can take her car after I drop her off at work tonight. I pulled out of her work parking lot and drove about 10 feet and the radiator exploded!!!! Literally, it exploded! There was antifreeze EVERYWHERE which I immediately got all over me when I tried to open the hood of her car, and which I promptly got all over my cell when I tried to call J to come rescue me. I called him and he immediately included me in a conference call with our car insurance agent who he was fighting with about our rates. The night progressed with a big fight between me and our old landline phone company who is trying to get us to pay $400 because they CONTINUED to bill us after we moved from our last house even though we canceled their service. Anyone know how to beat these asses at their own game? I swear, every time I turn around, we're having to fight with some company or another over billing issues and he said, she said crap!

Anywho, my boy is going to be starting kindergarten next week. I can't believe how fast time's gone by. Just yesterday I was burpin him and now he's on his way to college. Ok, maybe not college but he's on his way to school and that can't be too far behind!

Well, I better close for tonight. My sons hollering at me to come to his room since he's getting ready to go to sleep. Hope everyone's having a better day then me.. lol
'Night!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

My little pity party...

Well, it's very late and I've had all day long to stew about things in my life. It's been a rough day so if I start to ramble, bear with me. lol

For those who don't know me, I live with my boyfriend J and our son B who's almost 6 years old and due to start kindergarten this fall. J and I have been together 7 years this past July. We've had our ups and downs, although lately we seem to fight more then not. A lot about money and finances (who doesn't do that though?), about our sons appetite or lack thereof lately, or about his family. You see, his mother hated my guts when he first brought me home. But to start my story about that, I'd have to start with J's story, from before we ever met.

He married his high school sweetheart. They dated off and on for years, though high school and some college, then they got married and settled down, even bought their first house together. While he went off to work hard to provide for he and his wife, things seemed to be ok for awhile. He was big into computers and the internet when it was still fairly new to most people a few years back. Ya know, back when it was before every household had a computer and even if you did, not too many had jumped on the bandwagon? One day he showed his wife and her gf how to get online and chat with other people as a way for her to pass time. She spent more and more time "meeting" more people while she pushed him to work more and more hours to support the lifestyle she'd always had all her life. She came from a wealthy enough family that she always got what she wanted and never wanted for anything. He spent a lot of time trying to keep her happy with material things. As he worked harder and started training for a new position, and had to be gone out of town for some training, she started up with someone online. A man she started chatting with in another state. One day while he was out of town, his mother and his aunt stopped by J and his wifes house for a visit. They caught his wife with some other man in the house, while J was out of town. I think this little revalation has "colored" my relationship with his mother, even though I had nothing to do with any of it. Needless to say, an ugly divorce promptly ensued where his wife took him for everything and then some. He had a horrible lawyer, while her family got her the best money could buy, so she got everything and he got stuck with the bills.

Fast forward to a few years later where he and I started chatting online in 2000. He bugged me, begged me, irritated me for 6 or 7 months to go out with him. For some reason he rubbed me the wrong way and I always turned him down. He had some dorky glamour shot photos on his yahoo profile that made him look like Andy Gibb with the longer feathered hair in a leather jacket. It got to the point where everytime I got online, he would pop on and annoy me to go out with him. After 7 months I finally agreed to go out with him just to shut him up. I honestly thought I'd go out with him, maybe pretend to be boring or something, and then he'd stop asking me out. (Sounded like a good idea at the time lol...) I was dating a ton of guys at that time and I was just happy being single. Well, he showed up on my doorstep and it was love at first sight. We were together everyday after that first date.

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