How many times can you say you're sorry? How many times can you cry and apologize over and over again before you're all cried out, all "sorry'ed" out, all dry inside and can no longer say it anymore? And how many times should you be punished for what happened? How many times can he yell and rant and rave about the same thing over and over until his face is bright red and looks like he's going to explode?
I'm done. I'm over it all. I'm not even sure it's all my fault anymore. No, I didn't cheat, I didn't murder anyone, but he acts like I did. If one person is really sick with a bad memory and can't even remember how she drove to work this morning, would you put that person in charge of important details? Noooooo..... Especially since he refused to help at all with it for years and years. I'm lucky I remembered to get dressed this morning before I left the house, or that my bra wasn't on the outside of my shirt. Or, ya know, that I haven't left B at the bread store while I was getting hamburger buns! (Hey, I woulda remembered on the way home when I noticed there was no singing or babbling coming from the backseat)
Now it's as though he wants me to be reminded every effin day how I screwed up so I finally got mad enough to tell him to either shut up or get the hell out.
He was going on and on over the phone today when he called me from work. I ended up hanging up on him which isn't exactly grown up but when someone doesn't shut up for 15 minutes straight and is just yelling and yelling, you do what cha gotta do!
I've found the best way to communicate with him WHICH ACTUALLY GETS MY POINT ACROSS SO THAT HE HEARS ME, is to text him. For some it might seem more impersonal then an actual phone call or a talk face to face but hey, if he can't be reasonable or calm down enough to have an adult conversation that doesn't include his face turning 50 shades of red, that's my only option. Then my message is right there in black and white and he has to hear it.
I texted him saying I know I fucked up and I know you hate me for what's happened but you either need to try and forgive me and drop this so we can work on moving forward and fixing it or there is no point in staying together. Its not healthy for you to be angry at me all the time. It's not healthy for me to be stressed out all the time and getting yelled at every day and it's definitely not good at all for B to be around the constant tension in the house. It's up to you, but you need to do one or the other because I won't live like this anymore.
After I sent this there was this cone of silence for about 4 hours. I did some housework (aka reading other blogs), then took a nap. I woke up to a quiet house. His work truck was parked in front of the house but he wasn't here and neither was B. B ended up being outside playing with the neighbor kids in the back yard. (and before I get hate mail that I fell asleep and my son was outside playing, he knows to stay inside while mommy naps. He went outside when J got home and said he could go play. I'm lame but I'm not that lame lol..) J was across the street at his mothers. (Yes, we live across the street, almost directly across the street, from my in laws but that's a whole 'NOTHA post for a whole 'NOTHA day!) He came home around 5:00 happy as a clam, acting like nothing had happened between us today. He said his brother and our new sister in law were in town for the night and his parents were taking us all to dinner so we needed to be ready by 5:30.
So I guess he has decided to try and put it behind us, at least for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now, hopefully the blaming and finger pointing will stop for a little while. A girl can dream right?