Friday, September 26, 2008

Are Things Looking Up? Or am i Just Looking Away?

Ever since the day we shall call the-day-I-pulled-my-head-outta-my-ass-and-confronted-my-worst-nightmare, things have been different around here. He has been a much happier, more contended person this past week. It's like someone slipped him some of my good drugs, ya know the ones I hide when company comes over? He's been really happy and smiley, almost like the man I fell in love with. It's been nice and surreal all at the same time.

I am not sure if it's because his secret is out in the open now and he's no longer having to sneak around and hide things from me. And maybe he feels relieved.

And maybe he's realized what a GIGANTIC ASS he made of himself and how he risked the biggest and best thing that's ever happened to him.

Maybe he realized he risked his entire family and his entire future over this stupid woman he claims didn't mean anything to him.

And maybe that day he pictured our sons beautiful face in his mind and realized JUST.LIKE.THAT. it could have all been gone.

Ya, and MAYBE tomorrow I'll wake up to a clean house, rainbows in the sky and unicorns dancing on my front lawn!

MAYBE I'm being a tard, WANTING him to feel these things. WILLING him to think these things. DYING for him to realize what a humongous mistake this was.

I want to believe it. I badly want to believe it! He tells me things that I desparately want to hear and I need to believe what he says. For my families sake, I need to believe all of it. There's 7 years and a beautiful, gorgeous, funny and intelligent 6 year old little boy riding on it, counting on me, to believe all of it.

I've surprised myself, even scared myself a little, with how easily I've wanted to move past this part of our life and get to a better place. I've quickly and happily gone back to our routines, the I love you's, morning coffee together before work, clean laundry, dinners, dishes, bathtimes, laughter and snuggles. I've willed myself to this place of family contentment with him by my side. He's been grateful I haven't chosen to leave him, thankful I asked the questions I had and then dropped it. There are still questions I need answers to but not right now. Every day there are new questions that i MUST know the answers to, but I can't bear to hear those answers while this is still so fresh and new in my heart. The wound is still bleeding profusely and it needs to heal a little before I can let anything new into it.

I don't want this post to come off as stupid-wife-looks-the-other-way-while-husband-continues-affair-she-refuses-to-believe-is-going-on. My eyes are wide open. He's on a short leash. His cell phone records are being checked, call and text record logs searched for her number or any other number that I know doesn't belong to any of our family or friends.

So what's a supermom/domestic diva to do? Well, besides washing all the dirty, icky boy underwear, cleaning up after Miss Peabody (who still can't tell the difference between our kitchen rug and the grass outside), and finding all the toy action figures who've gone missing in "combat"?

She plows through. She holds her head up high, reminds herself that SHE IS THE BETTER WOMAN in all of this, and SHE will win in the end since she's the one who holds his heart.

I'm the one who's stuck by him through thick and thin, through the births and deaths of various family members, through all of it.

I am the one he loves and the one he's still attracted to even after all these years.

I am the one he can't keep his hands off of even though I've put on 40 lbs since he first met me.

I'm the one he takes care of when I am in so much pain that I can't even roll over in bed to take my pain medication in the cold, dark winter mornings.

I'm the one he gently and lovingly gathers in his arms to help me get out of bed and to the couch so I can watch TV while I wait for my medication to kick in before I can start my day.

I'm the one he runs hot bubble baths for when I've had a horrible day at work and it's storming out and I'm not feeling good at all.

I'm the one he pours coffee for every morning while I'm still half asleep.

I will be the one he's still with 40 or 50 years from now as we watch our grandbabies grow.

"SHE" will only be a distant memory...


liv said...

short leash.


and the occasional kick in the nuts just might do it.


KDLOST said...

hey there- came to your blog via SITS (and meaghan's blog- i kicked cancer's ass). girl! you've been through it! keep your chin up... hope you're having a better time... i'll be keeping up with ya, if you don't mind, that is. all my best

zakary said...

Man, sorry about all this. I've been through something like this with my husband. (We weren't married at the time.) And I found out almost the same way you did. Nothing happened, but we had to have a talk about boundaries. This chick was chasing after my husband HARDCORE and my husband is the nicest man ever and too polite to tell the bitch to back off. I believe him, but I still check his phone because I'm paranoid.

Hope you get things sorted out.


Andrea said...

Hey kdlost... Thanks for the comment. The stuff I've written is only the tip of the iceburg. Thanks for the comment and I'd love for you to follow my blog... I'm headed over to yours right now.

Thanks hun!

Andrea said...

Thanks for the comment Z. I think it'll be awhile before I stop being so paranoid. I feel like a detective, having to follow his every footstep, but I don't feel comfortable NOT doing it if you know what I mean...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! Hope you come back soon.

Wendy said...

Is it possible that he seems so happy now because he knows that you care enough to fight for him? I hate for this to come out wrong, so please please please don't take it the wrong way. Maybe letting him have so much freedom translated to him as not really caring? I'm sure you showed you love for him at home, but maybe?

It's kind of like how a teenager needs boundries. They don't like them, but without them they think they are unloved. Rather than you love and trust them so much that you're willing to sacrifice your time with them to make them happy.

Move on. Don't worry about the other questions. If you love him, and if he's worth it, then really truly move on. But don't stop checking in on him quite yet. I think it can happen to even the best people. You didn't do anything wrong, though. I'm not trying to say that, okay? I'm just trying to look at it from his eyes. For you.

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