Are Things Looking Up? Or am i Just Looking Away?

Ever since the day we shall call the-day-I-pulled-my-head-outta-my-ass-and-confronted-my-worst-nightmare, things have been different around here. He has been a much happier, more contended person this past week. It's like someone slipped him some of my good drugs, ya know the ones I hide when company comes over? He's been really happy and smiley, almost like the man I fell in love with. It's been nice and surreal all at the same time.

I am not sure if it's because his secret is out in the open now and he's no longer having to sneak around and hide things from me. And maybe he feels relieved.

And maybe he's realized what a GIGANTIC ASS he made of himself and how he risked the biggest and best thing that's ever happened to him.

Maybe he realized he risked his entire family and his entire future over this stupid woman he claims didn't mean anything to him.

And maybe that day he pictured our sons beautiful face in his mind and realized JUST.LIKE.THAT. it could have all been gone.

Ya, and MAYBE tomorrow I'll wake up to a clean house, rainbows in the sky and unicorns dancing on my front lawn!

MAYBE I'm being a tard, WANTING him to feel these things. WILLING him to think these things. DYING for him to realize what a humongous mistake this was.

I want to believe it. I badly want to believe it! He tells me things that I desparately want to hear and I need to believe what he says. For my families sake, I need to believe all of it. There's 7 years and a beautiful, gorgeous, funny and intelligent 6 year old little boy riding on it, counting on me, to believe all of it.

I've surprised myself, even scared myself a little, with how easily I've wanted to move past this part of our life and get to a better place. I've quickly and happily gone back to our routines, the I love you's, morning coffee together before work, clean laundry, dinners, dishes, bathtimes, laughter and snuggles. I've willed myself to this place of family contentment with him by my side. He's been grateful I haven't chosen to leave him, thankful I asked the questions I had and then dropped it. There are still questions I need answers to but not right now. Every day there are new questions that i MUST know the answers to, but I can't bear to hear those answers while this is still so fresh and new in my heart. The wound is still bleeding profusely and it needs to heal a little before I can let anything new into it.

I don't want this post to come off as stupid-wife-looks-the-other-way-while-husband-continues-affair-she-refuses-to-believe-is-going-on. My eyes are wide open. He's on a short leash. His cell phone records are being checked, call and text record logs searched for her number or any other number that I know doesn't belong to any of our family or friends.

So what's a supermom/domestic diva to do? Well, besides washing all the dirty, icky boy underwear, cleaning up after Miss Peabody (who still can't tell the difference between our kitchen rug and the grass outside), and finding all the toy action figures who've gone missing in "combat"?

She plows through. She holds her head up high, reminds herself that SHE IS THE BETTER WOMAN in all of this, and SHE will win in the end since she's the one who holds his heart.

I'm the one who's stuck by him through thick and thin, through the births and deaths of various family members, through all of it.

I am the one he loves and the one he's still attracted to even after all these years.

I am the one he can't keep his hands off of even though I've put on 40 lbs since he first met me.

I'm the one he takes care of when I am in so much pain that I can't even roll over in bed to take my pain medication in the cold, dark winter mornings.

I'm the one he gently and lovingly gathers in his arms to help me get out of bed and to the couch so I can watch TV while I wait for my medication to kick in before I can start my day.

I'm the one he runs hot bubble baths for when I've had a horrible day at work and it's storming out and I'm not feeling good at all.

I'm the one he pours coffee for every morning while I'm still half asleep.

I will be the one he's still with 40 or 50 years from now as we watch our grandbabies grow.

"SHE" will only be a distant memory...

Just wondering...

Just wondering if anyone elses husband cleans the kitchen as well as mine does? To be fair, I didn't take pics of any of the counters, which were cleared off. They weren't wiped down, but they were cleared off at least. He does this every single time he cleans the kitchen!

I run the dishwasher every morning so the dishes are clean by the time we get home from work. But if I don't unload the clean dishes, and he goes to clean up after dinner, this is what the sink looks like. His excuse? The dishes weren't clean! Um, ya they were, I just ran them through this morning. He says, no there was a film or something on them so i had to rewash them! It's amazing how if I unload the clean dishes they come out just fine but when he goes to put them away, they're still dirty?

Maybe the dishwasher knows it's him and spits film on the dishes before he opens the dishwasher door? Some little evil creatures just sitting and waiting for him to reach for that handle.

Can you say L-A-Z-Y??

A death in the family and a hole in the wall....

Tonight J's grandma died. She's been going downhill for a few years now, first with various age related health problems, then she got dementia. She's gotten sicker and sicker the past year. J's grandpa, a very healthy, fit, strict military man has been taking care of her 24/7 and we've watched him deteriorate right along side of her. Grandma made grandpa promise that he would take care of her and not put her in a nursing home so he did his best to try and do everything for her, sometimes going for days without sleeping.

I of course got this information 2nd hand from my MIL. See, when J and I found out we were pregnant with B, we weren't married and his grandparents said we were going to hell. They are very strict Mormon and weren't shy about telling us we were going to eternal damnation for having a "bastard" child. And I kid you not, those were their EXACT words. Needless to say it didn't make for warm and cozy holiday get togethers. They wanted nothing to do with me or with the cutest little baby to ever see the face of the earth, at least in our eyes, unless J and I decided to get married. So we didn't spend a lot of time together and it wasn't until about 2 years ago they warmed up to B. Never me, but B became the light of their lives.

There's a whole lot of back story that is too late to go into. Long story short, grandma is my MIL's stepmother. Grandma inherited 3 kids when she married grandpa and she immediately did whatever she could to get rid of those kids. She treated them horribly, hit them, tried to send them away, she even once scratched her neck, face, and scalp all up right in front of my MIL and then told Grandpa my MIL did it! (Can you say PSYCHO? I know you can!) I think she even threw herself down some stairs at one point saying my MIL had done that too. I think my MIL was only 12 or 13 when the stairs and scratches happened. Grandpa always believed her, never my MIL.

No matter what issues and problems I have with my MIL, she has selflessly given a ton of time to take care of this woman, who has continued to be a nasty nightmare to my MIL even through her dementia. She's held on to the "hatred" for my MIL even when her mind was too far gone to remember who she was or how she got there. My MIL has been driving 45 minutes (one way) to grandma and grandpas house to help with housework, yardwork, errands, whatever they needed almost every day for the past 3 or 4 years. They knew grandma was dying, we even thought she wasn't going to make it the weekend my BIL and his fiance were getting married last month. Tonight we got the call that she was finally gone. We just hope grandpa can stay strong and not let himself slip away after grandma is buried. He's wrapped his whole life around grandma since she got sick and I don't think he remembers his life without the constant care of grandma. Please keep grandpa in your prayers. Well, my whole extended family could use the prayers about now.

So much else happened today but it's getting too late and I need to hit the sack. I'll leave you with the wonderful sight I got home to tonight...


My sister calls our puppy 'Miss Peebody" for obvious reasons. But we may have to start calling her Jaws or something. I guess she got bored and her teeth were hurting her since she's teething so she decided to chew a hole in the freakin WALL. The WALL!!!! I get her little teeth are hurting her and she feels the need to bite something hard, and the million bones and toys we've bought her obviously aren't enough, but why the WALL??!?!? B went through his teething stage also but the kid never took out any plaster!



A closeup of the damage. Down to the plaster!








You can even see the plaster on the carpet where it came off in chunks! What the hell is wrong with this dog? I think she's possessed or something! There's something just NOT RIGHT with her!

Not a good night...

What happens when you find something you never wanted to find or that you never hoped you'd find in a million years? I don't snoop for a reason. NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM IT!!!! You never find good things when you snoop. Even at Christmas, if you snoop to find out what he's bought you, then there's always that little letdown Christmas morning when you open your gifts and have to do that fake surprised smile like you just had no idea what was in that wrapping paper. Remember on Sex and the City where Carrie is dating that great guy and she figures he's too perfect so when he leaves her alone in his apartment one morning, she goes nuts snooping through everything trying to find something on him? Turns out she didn't find anything at all but she got dumped for being a freak and not trusting him.

I was innocently playing with his new phone last night since he said i could about a week ago to see if I wanted to upgrade my new phone to the one he just got. I then wanted to check to see if he actually got that text I sent him yesterday telling him to shut up or get out. I found something a little odd... Texts between him and who I can only assume is another woman. FLIRTY TEXTS. Texts that he and I write to each other, that usually only come between 2 people who are close or who are hoping to become close. There wasn't any talk of meeting or anything like that but they were flirty nonetheless. But here's the crazy thing. He had deleted EVERY SINGLE ONE of the texts she had sent to him. All that was left were the texts he sent to her in his outbox/sent thing on his blackberry. I guess he thought if I looked on his phone, I wouldn't see anything in the inbox and that would be that. And here's the other thing I find odd.

She's not someone in his address book on his phone. All the texts only show a phone number, no name. This man has everyone and his dog that he's ever met since high school saved in his address book. He has the name and number of a body shop mechanic we used about 6 YEARS AGO still in his address book. He's very organized and the minute he gets someones number, or someone changes their number, he immediately saves it. Now why would he not save her number like he does everyone else?

And what exactly do I do now? I wasn't really snooping. But he'll think I was. I was playing with his phone like I've done a million times. He's never had anything to hide. The texts to her only started about 9 days ago, at least that's how far back they're saved on his phone. I have a sneaky sensation I know who it is. A few weeks ago he asked me if I remembered this woman he was talking to online when we met. J and I got serious immediately after we met. Like we met on July 3rd and have been together every single day since that day. Not one day have we ever been apart or gone without seeing each other. Well this girl ended up being kinda needy. We tried setting her up with our roommate at the time and the 4 of us went on a double date to kinda break the ice. She was more interested in J then the roommate we tried to set her up with. She spent the whole night talking to J instead of our roommate and batting her eyelashes and flipping her hair AT HIM. When I was pregnant with B I asked him to stop communicating with her. They were only talking online but she was kinda getting more and more needy and he openly admitted she was flirting with him and I saw the things she'd say to him. He stopped talking to her a few years ago. Then a couple of weeks ago he asked if I remembered her and I said, ya, I remembered she was in love with you and he laffed about it and said that she had found him on myspace again and wanted to talk. I, of course, rolled my eyes at that one and said I bet she wanted to "just talk." And again he laffed at me. Innocent enough. But i think thats who this is.

I don't want to say anything because if he knows he's being watched he'll delete the calls from his phone log and delete the sent texts from his blackberry. At which point I'd have to trust that he's not doing anything. But maybe they're not doing anything and he's just being an idiot flirting with her. I dunno what to do or say.

Anyone got any suggestions? Now's the time i need some comments from all you readers out there. All 3 of you lol...

Hope someone can give me some advice!

What are we doing????

How many times can you say you're sorry? How many times can you cry and apologize over and over again before you're all cried out, all "sorry'ed" out, all dry inside and can no longer say it anymore? And how many times should you be punished for what happened? How many times can he yell and rant and rave about the same thing over and over until his face is bright red and looks like he's going to explode?

I'm done. I'm over it all. I'm not even sure it's all my fault anymore. No, I didn't cheat, I didn't murder anyone, but he acts like I did. If one person is really sick with a bad memory and can't even remember how she drove to work this morning, would you put that person in charge of important details? Noooooo..... Especially since he refused to help at all with it for years and years. I'm lucky I remembered to get dressed this morning before I left the house, or that my bra wasn't on the outside of my shirt. Or, ya know, that I haven't left B at the bread store while I was getting hamburger buns! (Hey, I woulda remembered on the way home when I noticed there was no singing or babbling coming from the backseat)

Now it's as though he wants me to be reminded every effin day how I screwed up so I finally got mad enough to tell him to either shut up or get the hell out.

He was going on and on over the phone today when he called me from work. I ended up hanging up on him which isn't exactly grown up but when someone doesn't shut up for 15 minutes straight and is just yelling and yelling, you do what cha gotta do!

I've found the best way to communicate with him WHICH ACTUALLY GETS MY POINT ACROSS SO THAT HE HEARS ME, is to text him. For some it might seem more impersonal then an actual phone call or a talk face to face but hey, if he can't be reasonable or calm down enough to have an adult conversation that doesn't include his face turning 50 shades of red, that's my only option. Then my message is right there in black and white and he has to hear it.

I texted him saying I know I fucked up and I know you hate me for what's happened but you either need to try and forgive me and drop this so we can work on moving forward and fixing it or there is no point in staying together. Its not healthy for you to be angry at me all the time. It's not healthy for me to be stressed out all the time and getting yelled at every day and it's definitely not good at all for B to be around the constant tension in the house. It's up to you, but you need to do one or the other because I won't live like this anymore.

After I sent this there was this cone of silence for about 4 hours. I did some housework (aka reading other blogs), then took a nap. I woke up to a quiet house. His work truck was parked in front of the house but he wasn't here and neither was B. B ended up being outside playing with the neighbor kids in the back yard. (and before I get hate mail that I fell asleep and my son was outside playing, he knows to stay inside while mommy naps. He went outside when J got home and said he could go play. I'm lame but I'm not that lame lol..) J was across the street at his mothers. (Yes, we live across the street, almost directly across the street, from my in laws but that's a whole 'NOTHA post for a whole 'NOTHA day!) He came home around 5:00 happy as a clam, acting like nothing had happened between us today. He said his brother and our new sister in law were in town for the night and his parents were taking us all to dinner so we needed to be ready by 5:30.

So I guess he has decided to try and put it behind us, at least for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now, hopefully the blaming and finger pointing will stop for a little while. A girl can dream right?

Be back in a while...

Sorry I've been MIA... I have a ton of errands to run this morning while I have the soccer mom van while my moms at work...

I'll be posting later today...

Try not to miss me!

Wha???? aka She's Too Sexy for her Brows!

Overheard today at work while I was in the bathroom stall...

Lady looking in mirror: You know what?

Her coworker/friend in one of the other stalls: What's that?

Lady looking in mirror: My eyebrows are going to be gorgeous when they actually COME IN...

Friend who has no idea how to respond: Uhhhh, wha?? (which was said with this huge amount of disbelief that this woman actually just said that and WTF did it actually mean?)

Lady with no brows looking in mirror: Uh, never mind.

#1, I'm guessing she just realized that yes, she DID just say that out loud and #2, she wasn't alone when she said it.

OMG what is that about? I have a grown up job so it wasn't like this discussion took place at a Chuck E Cheese by some 4 year old who couldn't wait until she finally got hair in all the right places. No, this was said by a grown up woman who is at least in her mid 30's.

I'm curious about where the brows had gone? Did she lose them somewhere? Did they get burnt off in some freak fire accident? Did she lean too close to her gas stove cooking dinner recently? Did someone get mad at her for being the first one to fall asleep at the slumber party and they shaved them off while she was zonked out? Seriously, inquiring minds wanna know!

Here's me in the stall: snicker, snicker, snicker, snort (at which point I gave myself away and they hurry and left since they weren't alone in the bathroom)

Hey, at least SOMETHING funny happened to me at work today!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I AM bitter!

J's been working 6 days a week for almost 3 months now. He's working 12-14 hours each day with only Sundays off. When he IS home, he's useless. He's so tired by the time he gets off work, he only wants to relax and can't help me with anything. I don't blame him; if I were working that hard and that much, I'd be useless, I mean exhausted, too. He still comes home, stomps around the house and bitches and moans about how the house is a mess, and what a lousy day he's had, like he did before he was working this much. Now, you have to understand, a "mess" to him is actually "tidy" by almost everyone else's standards.

There is one thing I've never mentioned here yet. J is a neat freak. Not just a regular ol' neat freak who likes the house to be clean at all times. No, this is the OCD-socks arranged by hue and color-canned foods lined up perfectly on the shelf-dish towels folded, hung, and spaced exactly the same distance apart-Monk twin/sleeping with the Enemy-type of neat freak. The man can tell at a glance if one of the 600+ DVD's we have are missing or if one of B's 100+ star wars figures is gone from the shelf. So when he comes home whining that the house is a mess, it actually looks pretty damn good to me.

And it's not like I am home, eating bon-bons and watching my "stories" on TV. No, I work full time too. And with all of the health problems I have, he's lucky I get half of what I do done on my own. But, I feel like a single parent anymore. I'm the one who cooks and cleans and worries about getting B to and from school, organizes the drs appts, does the laundry, gives B his baths, gets him ready for bed, and all the things the parents do. I know most moms carry the bigger burden of childcare and the house cleaning but this is ridiculous. I don't think he's done ANYTHING to help with B in a few weeks now.

So yes, I'm feeling bitter tonight since I've been in a lot of pain today and I'm exhausted myself. But instead of being able to come home, lay down on the couch and go to sleep like a certain bump on a log did today, I still had to do everything else around here and put B to bed. He needs the rest but hey, so do I!!!! All right, I guess I'm done having my pity party tonight. Just wanted to vent and put this out into the universe since I can't do much about the situation until he goes back to working 5 days instead of 6. Well, that, or I end up smothering him in his sleep with his pillow at which point I beccome a single parent for real and then I really find out I didn't know what I was talking about at all because it would definitely be harder all on my own.

I need to go to bed, I don't think I'm making any sense anymore lol

Have a good night!

Where have I been?

It's been a few days since I've posted. I guess I should apologize right now for having a life lol I never knew how much time blogging takes up and I just began!



So this past week, B has started school, I've hurt my back even worse then before (thank you elevator at work), I've given in and started using a walker, and we went to the Utah State Fair! Whew! It's been a busy, crazy week which is why, if any of you are even listening, I've been missing from my blog. Well that, and I haven't had any private time to write since Tuesday.


Yes, it's true... I haven't shared with J or anyone in my family yet that I've started a blog. I started it for me because I needed an outlet for my so called creative side. Of course, the jury is still out on my "creative" side, but that's what we'll call it for now. I've been reading blog and after blog and I've come to the conclusion I'm doing this blog MORE for the fact to have a record of my life and my sons life, well, and J too. lol I've decided that there's been so many things that this illness/sickness has taken from me and my life and the absolute *WORSE* thing this has stolen from me are my memories. This illness has taken the day my son walked for the first time, his first words, (which J insists were mama and dada in that order), the first time he rolled over, crawled, his first bath. Of course, I have photos of all of it, but a photo only says so much. I figured if I started to blog, I could document things in our life so I can look back and read things and REMEMBER them.

I wished I would have done this long ago but to be honest, I didn't have the time or the energy, or, actually the laptop either. Now I can blog from the couch or my bed when I feel like shit, which, lets face it, is ALLLLLLLL the time. Especially now that my back is killing me again. I'm gonna go back and try and post the days I've missed this week. Or, maybe, catch up on my DVR episodes I've recorded of my 'entertainment porn" which is the Chelsea Handler Show.


She's so hilarious although I don't really get when she goes deeeeeep into Hollywood.

All right, I guess I'll be going now. Hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday.

All grown up...

I called in sick to work today (back issues again) and was home for his first day of school. This is the first pic I took that afternoon. Can you see how his face just radiates the excitement he's feeling?

I begged him to pretend to be excited for school and this is fhe fake smile I was rewarded with... lol

Here he is with his nana (my mom). She thought maybe he'd actually smile for me if she posed with him. If you knew my mother at all, you would know that she was really worried about him and how nervous he was. she doesn't pose for photos AT ALL! For any reason! So for her to offer to be in the picture with him was HUGE so we got a half smile of sorts...

Here are his new DC shoes he insisted he have for school. Ever since his 4th bday, it's the only sort of shoe we can get him to wear. Good thing J's mom LOVES to shop and spoils him rotten. He was rewarded with not just one pair, but a 2nd black pair, of DC shoes for school.

Here he is just before we were leaving the house to take him to school.

Here he is when we got to school. I think the smile was finally genuine, even for just one second..

And again, another fake smile that he gave me to try and get me to stop taking photos. Hey, it was either snapping pictures and silently tearing up behind my sunglasses, or, no pictures but sobs upon sobs of me crying "my baby is growing up!!!!

Here's a smile I got after he saw some of his friends from our neighborhood outside the school and he sorta realized, hey, this might be ok and I PROBABLY won't throw up from the nervousness.

The 2 of us...

This one is called "Ok, maybe I WILL be throwing up after all!" He complained all morning that he felt like he was "gonna be sick" and "mommy, maybe I should just call in sick on my first day of school until I feel better!" Bless his little heart...

Poor kid...

I was a mess after I left him at school. The school has the kindergarten classes line up outside the school before and after class so I didn't even get to go in to his class to say goodbye. I left the school, took my mom home, ran a couple of errands and then went home to wait for him to get out. It was so weird not having him there and I was so worried about him since he was so nervous about going. But of course, he got home and was happy and had fun and met a new friend named Lucas who B informs me he calls Luke Skywalker. Yes, he's a big Star Wars fan.

Kids adapt so well to new things. I wish I could do that half as well as he does!

Well, here it is... The first day of kindergarten for B. I am so nervous for him. He's still sleeping away in bed and I'm here worried about how he'll feel this morning. He has afternoon kindergarten so he won't need to be to school until 12:45. We picked out his outfit that he wants to wear to school today already and his backpack is packed. Guess I should finish the school forms and paperwork huh?

It was so cold this morning. Isn't it supposed to be summer still? We've had this small cold front move in the past few days with all of the rain and when I got up this morning I had to turn on the heater. It was only 61* in my house this morning!!! Brrrrr!

Anyone know how best to re-potty train a puppy? We bought this chug (half pug, half chiuahua) from our best friends and she was potty trained. We brought her home and she kept having accident after accident. I know they have a rough time transitioning to a new place but it's been almost 2 months now and she's still having accidents! I haven't seen this much pee, well, ever! I was going to say since we potty trained B but he actually only had 1 accident. So, if she doesn't start peeing outside, there will be one Chug for sale...

She's cute.. Make me an offer!

Where oh where did the last 6 years go?

How do you give your child the strength he needs to start something new? It's the night before he starts kindergarten and I feel inadequate somehow. My words seem to fall short, like no matter what I say, it won't ever be enough.

He's been pretty indifferent for the past year about starting school. Finally this summer he seemed to be getting a little excited to start, eager even, for the past couple of weeks. Then tonight, the night before he starts school, he is getting cold feet. He sat here and started crying. Only these weren't the "I'm hurt" tears that he cries when he falls and skins a knee, or the wails he cried yesterday when he was running scross the street to Grammys house and tripped on his sandals and scraped both his palms, an elbow AND A knee. No, these were heart breaking tears, the big, silent, crocodile tears that he tried to hide from me behind his little fists. That he seemed a little ashamed of actually. Tears that no mother ever wants to see, because they didn't come from a bump or a bruise that you could fix with a bandaid and a kiss. No, these were the tears that come from deep down inside his little soul, sad ones that you have to try to soothe away with words and hugs and feelings.

He's afraid of bullies. He's afraid that no one will like him. He's afraid he'll go to the bathroom and not be able to buckle his pants up again. (He might have juvenile arthritis, we're still trying to figure that one out since he's having problems using his hands or anything that he needs to do that requires squeezing his fingers together.) But mostly, he's afraid of not making any new friends at school. This coming from a kid who had every child, young and old, in a 2 block radius, vying for his attention and friendship 2 days after we moved into this neighborhood. This from a kid who has no less then 4 friends at once playing with him every day this summer. I tried telling him we're all scared to start something new. We're all a little scared and nervous and that it's OK to feel that way. That he will be fine, he'll have a ton of fun, and he'll make a bunch of new friends at school this year. That he is a cool kid and won't have any problems making new friends or getting along with anyone else. I mean, what could be better then hearing your MOM tell you how cool you are right? lol I'm banking on the fact that he's only 6 so maybe he still believes me and doesn't yet think I'm a big ole geek who is embarassing him. Of course, that day will be coming soon enough I'm sure...

Somehow my words don't seem to be enough. My hugs and kisses and words of encouragement were offered up to him and I know he wanted to believe me but who knows if he really did. He did stop crying, wiping away his sad little tears with the backs of his hands, finally laughing when I told him he couldn't cry tomorrow because I'll be crying enough for the both of us. That's when the embarassment finally kicked in for him (Oh gawd, mom is gonna be crying AND taking pictures tomorrow? How LAME!)

I've never had to be here before. He's our first and I've never been at this spot, not knowing how to get rid of all his fears, knowing I can't be there tomorrow, sitting behind him in class. It's gonna be rougher on me then on him I'm sure... Anyone remember their words of encouragement to their children? Any suggestions for me? Please comment and let me know. There must be some magic words I can give him!

Well, I better go... J and B are both sleeping and it's time for me to join them.

xoxoxo

Bubba B

This what your son looks like after you spend $3.00 in quarters in those stupid little toy machines that are EVERYWHERE and have totally become the bane of my existence...

Introducing "Bubba B" lol

Hope he doesn't try to wear them to his first day of school....